My name is Jackson. I was born in L.A., in Arcadia, and I went to elementary school in China. And then from middle school until finishing college I was in Colorado and moved to L.A. after that. I never really grew up with a role model. For my friend and I, our dads weren’t exactly our role models. And we didn’t have a specific person, but more like many men pieced together, because it was always like, “I really admire, I really respect this one person, and I want to learn from them,” and then over time I’d start learning some things that were like, “Oh, I don’t think I like that,” and then move on. So it’s been constantly trying to piece together what is masculine, what is a man, what is OK, what is accepted in society.
Eventually I got into Breakdancing Club in high school. It was primarily because the Breakdancing Club president was Taiwanese and he spoke Mandarin.
Something that I especially remember about high school and college is that I felt invisible. I think that’s when I was learning about the Asian race being “the invisible race.” I’m talking about racism and the microaggressions within racism, and when I was in the space where it was mostly white people, like in Colorado, people didn’t even look at me. Sometimes I would be answering a question, talking to them, and they wouldn’t look at me. It’s literally not being seen.
I recently felt this again when I went back to Colorado for an event with friends in a club setting. Maybe 98% of the people were white college kids. At this point I have become a pretty confident dancer. So we were all there dancing, and nobody looked at me, but right in front of me there was the college student who’d brought me there who’s not Asian, and everybody complimented him. That’s where I was like, “Oh wow, I remember this feeling”: literally not being seen.
And that translates in many ways, including on dating apps. I remember a few years ago I finally brought up to my therapist that I’d read an article about how Asian men are viewed as the least attractive and are the least likely to get connections on dating apps, and my own experience validates that. I’ve only gone on two dates through dating apps, and I think in maybe two or three years I had two dates and not that many matches or sustained conversations.
The thing that initially made me gain confidence unintentionally was when I got passionate and active in climate activism. The fact that there were people working on solutions got me excited, so I started researching climate solutions. And then before you know it I became knowledgeable in the books, in the answers, in the science, so that I could have casual conversations and drop knowledge. That’s how I became really confident: knowledge as power. And everything is intersectional, because once you dive into an issue deep enough it also becomes about race, gender equity, and income equality.
I would say 100% because of my own emotional growth I became much more confident in my dance, and the dance became better. And part of my journey of accepting my body and learning about all this was when I started doing self-photography, started with looking at myself in the mirror and taking photos of myself. Then as an artist I wanted to take nude photos of myself in nature where there’s nobody around. I joke with my friends that running around in the mountains naked made me a better dancer, because that made me feel seen, empowered, accepted, worthy. And all of these feelings and emotions, they’re transferable to every part of my life.
